Still Breathing
by horsegal-98
Summary: Thomas Andrews life before the Titanic and his initial feelings about his "ship of dreams", and battling his feelings for a mysterious young woman...
1. Author Notes

Still Breathing-Author notes.  
  
Authors Note:I don't own Titanic or Thomas Andrews.I really wish I did.All titles are copyright of James Cameron and the White Star Line, except me {I don't go by my real name, by the way,but she's me}(Who I am fairly sure belongs to me-should I look this one up?), Olivia (who is undoubtably owned by herself), and also Lauren (likewise).Any other non-specified, non Titanic characters are mine.  
  
This story is dedicated to Olivia, as I'm writing it as a belated birthday present.  
  
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For those of you who have read my other Titanic fic, The Dream Boat, I'd just like to say thankyou so much for the kind things you've said, and no, I'm not planning a sequel.I had fun, but after they had been off the Titanic for a few months it got old.So please kindly stop sending me death threats for not writing more!*lol*  
  
Now,I know that this fic may seem a bit ambitious after The Dream Boat.Still Breathing differs from dream boat mainly in that it is an author fic this time (hopefully not too over the toppish!) and in the fact it is NOT a Thomas/Rose ship.Whilst I am a Thomas/Rose shipper, I must admit that at times I get a little frustrated with the scenario, and its becoming too popular.So I thought again.What could I do to make Still Breathing new and go getting?  
  
For those not aware of my Victor Garber obsession, I will take the time to draw attention to it.I write Thomas fics because of his moving portrayl of Thomas.So prepare yourself for some serious soppy Thomas, that's all I can say.  
  
By now, you're all fainting with boredom and deciding not to read the story, so here it goes.just click the next arrow and we'll see how we go, shall we? 


	2. The ship of broken dreams

Chapter One-The Ship Of Broken Dreams  
  
Thomas stood with his arms folded on the boat deck balcony, watching the strolling passengers around and below him, strolling around, talking, laughing. He winced faintly when he saw a young couple walk past, staring into each others eyes. Funny really, how it was just a small thing like that to make Thomas feel regret.  
  
It had been nine months since Thomas's heart had been shattered, and it still hurt him as though it had only happened yesterday.  
  
Emma had been the light of his life, his sun, moon, his entire world, even his being. He had loved her so much that there had been no room in his heart for anybody else. Now all that was left in his heart was emptiness.  
  
Emma had left him with their two children, one a baby, the other going on two years old. The children were back in Ireland, with their aunt who was serving as their governess, leaving Thomas with nothing. It had been better that way, Thomas could never passed for a perfect father. Or a perfect husband.  
  
After Emma's death, Thomas had thrown himself into his work. It was all he could do to try and recreate some semblance of a life. But it wasn't the same, nothing was the same.  
  
He turned and stared out across the water, his mind racing back to the times where Emma had been real and alive, where he could touch her. Now she existed only in his memory.  
  
"A cup of tea, sir?" A passing steward offered Thomas a porcelain cup, which Thomas took, grateful for a distraction from his own terrible thoughts.  
  
"Thank you, Williams,"Thomas appreciated.Williams nodded, and walked off to assist other passengers.  
  
A young woman walked past Thomas.She was beautiful.He looked again, despite himself.She was unescorted, that was strange.She was also not wearing a hat,even more curious.Perhaps she had wandered up from second or third class, unawares that the boat deck was restricted to first class passengers?She probably didn't even speak English.  
  
Thomas didn't have the heart to send her back down underdecks, shaking his head, trying to keep himself engrossed with his pesimistic longings for Emma.He tried hard to ignore the nagging voice telling him that Emma was dead and buried.Thomas had sworn on Emma's grave he would never re marry, a wise idea.Thomas was thirty-nine, no longer a young man, although women were still attracted to him. Standing at just over six foot two, with deep brown eyes and softly curling hair, Thomas still cut a handome figure even at his age, but this had never mattered to him.He had Emma, and he never had wanted anybody else but her.Her looks had put his to shame.  
  
What made the pain ever so much deeper was the fact that Thomas still blamed himself for Emma's death.Isn't the ma always to blame when his wife dies in childbirth?The baby had survived, Emma had not.  
  
He still could not tear his eyes away from the brown-haired young woman standing on the deck.As he watched, a young man approached the girl, and covered her with his coat.  
  
"Do you know you'll catch a chill if you stay out in this cold?You are freezing!You must come inside at once, and stop this foolishness, Olivia." 


	3. Olivia gives up the ghost

STILL BREATHING-chapter two Olivia gives up the ghost  
  
It was really too cold for Olivia to be out and about on the boat deck at nine at night, but she barely even noticed the frosted chill in the air. She stood , with her hands draped across the railing, facing out to sea. Being a passenger on the Titanic held no great joy for her. True, she had never had passage on a ocean liner even half the size of the Titanic before, true as it may be that she had been given the chance to chat, eat, flirt, socialize, and mingle with passengers who undoubtedly held a higher social position than her rightful one, but it was also true that Olivia loathed the reason she was on the Titanic, the life she would lead when it docked, and even, at times, the ship itself.  
  
Olivia suffered from an arranged marriage. Oliva had met her fiancée the summer previous, and had immediately taken a dislike to him. She was being forced into the marriage not by her family, indeed, the marriage had come about more for the lack of a family. Olivia had been orphaned soon after her birth, and with no suitable family member to see to her upbringing, she had been sent first to an orphanage, and later, to a convent, to act as a servant girl. It had been at one of the church picnics that her fiancé, Todd, had seen her for the first time. Todd acted, with as much grace as a man who had fallen in love with a young woman far below his class could muster, he had gone to one of the nuns, and asked for her hand in marriage. The sister had instantly agreed, for Olivia was not really one of their members, and provided, what she deemed to be a chance to rise up in the world.  
  
Olivia had been stunned and shocked when Todd consequently proposed to her. She had made out, flatteringly, to refuse, for although Todd had a certain air of elegance about him, he was ten years her senior, and Olivia felt no deep attraction towards him. When the sisters insisted she marry him, she tried to flee, but to no avail. Olivia was to marry Todd.  
  
Olivia jumped at a sound behind her. When she turned around, she saw Todd standing behind her, and steadied herself.  
  
"Olivia, sweetheart, how many times must I tell you not to stay out here! Honestly, sometimes I wonder how you are so asinine and stubborn, and where you got it from!"  
  
Olivia fumed as Todd insisted in dragging her back inside.  
  
"Todd, I feel ill-"Olivia started  
  
"There, I knew it! All this foolishness and standing out in the rain, Olivia. Do you want me to get the ship's surgeon to see you?"  
  
"No.err, thankyou, Todd. If you don't mind, I'll just go back to the stateroom."  
  
"Do you want me to escort you there?"  
  
"No, no, its fine, I can make it there and lie down," She watched as Todd walked back down the hallway to the smoking room.Ha, sick indeed!Olivia beamed at her ingenuity of her plan. Now at least she was free of her overbearing finance, and could spend her time as she pleased. Immediately she headed back out to the deck, but paused, with her hand on the door, when she saw a man sobbing down the corridor.  
  
Olivia looked again, the man was finely dressed and groomed, and obviously a first class gentleman. But what would a gentleman be doing sobbing at his time of night in the middle of a hall? Olivia debated walking up to him, but decided against it. She had her own problems to deal with, with no immediate solutions.  
  
Thomas turned around and saw the beautiful woman looking at him. He bundled his coat up and hastened down the hall. 


	4. Destined

Still Breathing Chapter 3-Destined  
  
"I am telling you, Emma was no ordinary woman!" Thomas defended angrily, his usually placid brown eyes flashing. "Bruce, she was-she was-special. And I swore on her grave I would never remarry".  
  
Bruce Ismay shook his head slightly. He just couldn't understand Thomas Andrews. For all his dealings with the older man he still barely knew him. Thomas was devoted, to be sure, but ever since his wife's death he had thrown himself headlong into his work.  
  
"There's a difference between loving someone and marrying them, Thomas," Bruce laughed.  
  
Thomas bit his tongue, but couldn't restrain himself from landing a punch on Ismay's face. Bruce reeled back, clutching his nose.  
  
"I will never defer Emma's memory just so I could share a night with a common prostitute!" Thomas had lost his head, not realising who he was talking to, but not caring. "I will NOT yield!" He straightened his coat, and walked out.  
  
"Fool," Hissed Ismay.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***** Thomas had been invited to dine at a table filled with rich, arrogant passengers that evening. Amongst them were Ismay, John Jacob Astor and John Travers and his wife. Thomas blinked as he looked to his left and saw the young woman he had noticed seated next to him. Olivia, that was what the other man had called her. He was seated on her left side, and Thomas wondered who he was, a relative, a spouse? Taken aback by this unusual show of curiously, Thomas looked back down to his menu, but not before Olivia had sensed his searching eyes. She stole a glance at him, he was no longer looking at her, which gave her the opportunity to scrutinise him. He was older than her, to be sure, even older than Todd, but very good looking. In fact, as a truth, Olivia could even perhaps admit she found him attractive, with his softly curling hair and delicate features. She could tell instantly from the way he moved and talked that he would be a superb dancer, a charming conversationalist and a wonderful-Olivia blushed as she thought about it-lover.  
  
As the night progressed on, Olivia was given the chance to hear more of the handsome man. He was, she learnt, Thomas Andrews, designer of the Titanic. She heard him talk about art and politics, laugh, and the sounds of his fork scraping his plate and found herself more and more attracted to him. What could make a man as wonderful as this sob openly in public? Even to Olivia's limited social experiences, this was just a thing that a gentlemen would not do.  
  
Thomas leant closer to Olivia and instantly regretted it.A year's worth of love that had been lost was building up inside of him, and he felt a wave of helplessness pass over him-against his promise he had fallen instantly, rapturously and dangerously in love.  
  
He leant a bit closer to her. "Le coup de foudre" he whispered in her ear.  
  
"Excuse me?" Olivia senses were jolted as he leant close to her again.  
  
"It's french for "the lightening strike out of the blue". He glanced around nervously, but everyone else was too involved in a conversation about horse racing to notice them. "I though you would have known that, Olivia"  
  
A shiver passed down her back. "How do you know my name?" She whispered.  
  
"How could I not? Beautiful women like you don't come out of thin air, now do they?" Thomas reminded himself of his promise to his lovely wife Emma. That promise was the only thing stopping him taking possession of her in his heart, the only barrier that could be held over his desire for her.  
  
"I don't speak French," She admitted. "But I'd love to learn,"  
  
Thomas laughed. "But I though all the proper ladies went to Paris," He elaborated. "All of the ones who travel first class, anyway,"  
  
"Well maybe this isn't first class, Mr Andrews. After all, your ship is really too wonderful to be really true."  
  
"I can only think of one wonderful thing about the Titanic, and she's sitting beside me-"Olivia blushed and lowered her eyes, and Thomas smiled and continued, "And I will readily accept that she is too beautiful to be really true,"  
  
They made their excuses, and left together. Todd looked at them suspiciously, but knew that Thomas Andrews was a gentleman, grieving for another woman and no threat to Todd or Olivia, and let them go without embarrassment.  
  
They walked out onto the deck, and Olivia shivered when she felt how close Thomas was to her.  
  
Thomas felt her shiver, and took off his jacket. "Here, you must be cold," He draped it across her, and fought off the urge to leave his arm around her.  
  
They were looking out across the black ocean, when Olivia turned around to face Thomas suddenly. Jolted, Thomas could not take hold of his senses, and leaned in even more closely and kissed her firmly on the lips. Olivia returned it, both throwing their better judgement to the wind. Gradually fear of being spotted by Todd overcame Olivia, and she pulled herself away.  
  
"Thomas, I'm married," Not the whole truth, perhaps, but soon to be and simple to explain.  
  
"That's fortunate." Thomas kissed her again. "So am I"  
  
The last sun gave way to the image of two lovers, destined to love against all odds. 


	5. An Innocent Untruth

Still Breathing Chapter Four  
  
An innocent untruth  
  
Olivia kept her eyes on the floor as Todd took her in his arms.  
  
"Olivia," He sighed. "How much longer must I wait?" He took a lock of auburn hair and caressed it. "Sometimes I wish we were to be married sooner,"  
  
Olivia pictured herself with Thomas and blushed even at the memory of it. How was it that she felt so-she smiled mildly- alive when she was with Thomas? In the short time they had spent after dinner the night before she had experienced an emotion she had never felt before. She wanted, for the first time, a man in her life. She wanted him to hold her. She wanted him to touch her.  
  
She glanced pass Todd at the clock, it was still another two hours until dinner. She would have to endure Todd for at least another half an hour, but she found that she could no longer close her eyes and will him far away- now she had felt the touch of a lover and could invariably, never be the same again.  
  
As Todd got closer, she improvised.  
  
"Todd, darling, could we go out for a touch of fresh air on the promenade?"  
  
"Outside? But-we-"  
  
"It is so stuffy in here, we really must go or I shall faint," Olivia persisted, donning her wrap. She turned and faced Todd. How could Todd resist her tireless beauty? She smiled innocently.  
  
She knew she was Todd's only weak spot. **************************************************************************** *****  
  
Olivia waited anxiously in her stateroom for Todd to collect her to take her to dinner. For the tenth time in a quarter of an hour she got up to look at herself in the mirror above the fireplace.  
  
She had bathed her face, straightened her hair, and dabbed perfume on her arms and chest. Olivia knew she was becoming a beautiful young woman, and as she glanced down at her dress she smiled.  
  
Madam Marthe, the dressmaker from Bourg-en-Bresse had excelled herself on this beautiful gown. Made out of a fine apple green silk, it followed a Shepard's style, with a daringly cut bust and trailing sleeves. Olivia was delighted with the gown and saw, for the first time, her transformation from a clumsy child into a beautiful woman.  
  
Todd was taken aback when she opened the door. He had always seen his fiancés potential sensuality, which he judged in her generous lips, shining eyes, frequent blushes and the delight she took in dancing-but tonight she was a vision. Todd smiled, knowing that he would be the envy of all the men at table tonight.  
  
When Olivia entered the dining room, she immediately searched the room for Thomas. When she spotted him, he had his back turned her, talking in heated tones with Captain Smith.  
  
When Thomas turned around, the first thing he saw in the room was Olivia. Her beauty seemed to be entire and she appeared to fill the entire room with her presence. He disregarded the fact she was standing with Todd and walked up to her.  
  
Olivia, petrified, saw the object of all her daydreams approaching. Speech deserted her, and everything around her seemed to stand still. But she held out her hand, and felt him kiss it, and suddenly knew he was very real. **************************************************************************** ***** Thomas had taken care to ensure he was seated next to Olivia, but for the first ten or so minutes feigned total oblivion to her presence. Thomas was still coming to terms with his new found desire for a woman that was not Emma. It was like he had suddenly grown a new heart, there was no mistake about it, and he wanted Olivia badly. He glanced sideways at her, and met her eyes. They hadn't the fire of Emma's to be sure, but perhaps they were more tender. He smiled. Already he was comparing the two of them.  
  
Finally he found he could ignore her no longer. He leant over close to her. "Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat".  
  
Olivia's heart raced as he came close. She could smell his after shave, she could count the flecks of grey in his hair. "What does that mean?" She asked, not taking her eyes of his.  
  
"I'll tell you one day," Thomas shifted in his seat. "Perhaps one day you will understand it. But now-"He looked around and then found her hand under the table and took hold of it, and Olivia sighed with well being, a willing captive, as he held her.  
  
"If we left now, they wouldn't notice us," Olivia was surprised at her own daring.  
  
"And what then, my little swan? What would you seek my company for,"  
  
Olivia reddened. "I didn't mean it like tha-"  
  
Thomas put a finger to her lips. "Lets go now,"  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Thomas had taken Olivia back to his stateroom so they could be alone. When Olivia left him to freshen up, Thomas tried to fight a battle he was losing. He was filled with a desire to claim Olivia for himself. He threw down his glasses and rubbed his face with both hands, as to rid his head of the criminal idea.  
  
Dear god, you wont let me do it will you? I wont do it, I can't. For a second he thought of leaving her, there and then, and finding another channel to throw his enthusiasm into, his desperate hunger. He gave a noiseless laugh, which made Olivia shudder. She took four noiseless steps back into the room.  
  
"Mr Andrews," She called. Suddenly she felt lost in an unknown climate and didn't know what to do next,  
  
As she spoke, Thomas realized that she had come out of the bathroom. He rose from the writing table and turned around.  
  
In a weak voice, she repeated, "Mr Andrews,"  
  
He held a finger up to her lips and kissed her. Stilled with emotion, and hardly daring to breathe, he opened his arms around them around her. Already he knew it was time to let go of Emma.  
  
He held her back.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Kiss me!" She murmured dreamily  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Kiss me!" She repeated, falling forward hungrily. "Quickly!"  
  
"I shall!"  
  
They fell into each other's arms, reeling under the spell of their heavy emotions for each other.  
  
Thomas picked Olivia up and laid her on the bed. 


	6. A heart is stolen

Still Breathing-Chapter Five- A Heart Is Stolen  
  
The sea was dark and still as Thomas looked out over the rail of the deck. The sun had long left the sky, and the only light came from the sliver off moonlight above him, casting a ghostly reflection in the black water.  
  
Thomas smiled to himself, content to the deepest reaches of his heart. Although Olivia had gone, Thomas knew he could never be without her again. He cursed himself as an image of Emma surfaced in his light-headed mind.  
  
Had he truly loved Emma? And if he had, did that mean he did not love Olivia, if he was made for Emma? Was the notion of true love just foolishness? Thomas had always prided himself on being a sensible man. Not boring, to be sure, Thomas was always a favourite in socialised conversation, but until he met Olivia he had never been reckless. Now he was throwing away his ambition, his promises, his life, on a girl he barely knew. And what of his young son? He would need his father soon. Thomas knew it was not matter to a young baby the difference between a parent and a nurse, but he could not in his heart deny the child's right to have a father. And it wouldn't be fair on Olivia, a young and beautiful girl- Thomas knew now that he could no longer look on Olivia as a doting girl. He realised that she was in fact, a beautiful young woman, and one that could be lost-Olivia would be a fine prize for any man to marry, and Thomas was not sure that in a few days, when the ship docked, that Olivia would be as hasty to leave Todd as she had promised him. Thomas knew that although the prospect of a lover was welcoming to a young woman, so was the chance to spend a life in the hands of a generous and handsome young man- everything Todd was, and Thomas wasn't.  
  
Thomas sighed. The choice would have to be made by Olivia.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Thomas's doubts in Olivia were to be confirmed. By the next morning, Olivia had found that she had regretted her actions of the previous day. When, at breakfast, Thomas had tried to speak with her, she had found herself scarlet and forced a hasty retreat away from him, reminiscent of the events of the day before.  
  
Olivia was seated on the chaise lounge in her stateroom , practicing her needlework when a knock at the door made her fly from her seat. With the coming of the second knock, she opened the door with a grim aspect, expecting Todd, and feeling anything but hospitable.  
  
She gasped as she saw Thomas standing outside in all his handsome silver splendour.  
  
He looked up and searched her eyes, and finding no warmth he looked back down at the floor.  
  
"Good afternoon, I came to get my hat-I mean, I left it here last night and I-well, I'd rather have it back, Miss".  
  
"Very well, it's here, on the table," She handed it to him, then made to close the door.  
  
"No, please don't". The pleading look in Thomas's eyes made Olivia stop dead in her tracks. "Are you afraid of me, Olivia?"  
  
Thomas looked so hurt that Olivia realised that she must have done something very rude. Anxious to appear at her ease, she replied, "How can I be afraid of you when you have been so kind to me and we get along so well? I only wish I could thank you for it" She lowered her eyes and put out her hand in a confiding gesture, her heart racing wildly in her chest.  
  
"Shall I tell you how?" Asked Thomas, taking her small hand fast in his big ones, and looking down at Olivia with so much longing in his deep brown eyes that her heart began to flutter, and Olivia longed both to run away and stop and listen.  
  
"About last night, I-"Thomas started, but Olivia interrupted him before he could finish.  
  
"Oh, no, please don't-I'd rather not," She said, trying to withdraw her hand, frightened in spite of her denial. She had never before dealt with a man at such a close range, the day before had been all new to her, and she still felt embarrassment and blushed.  
  
"I won't trouble you, I only want to know if you care for me a little, Olivia, I love you so much it hurts me," Thomas whispered, tenderly.  
  
Olivia hung her head in shame. "Thomas, I thought I-well, I-I don't know" She finished so softly that Thomas barely caught the frail reply.  
  
Thomas knew that it was worth the trouble to find out the truth. "Will you try and find out? I want to know so much, for Can't work with any heart until I lean whether I will win my reward in the end or not,"  
  
"I'm too young,Thomas"Faltered Olivia, failing on her search to tell Thomas how she really felt.  
  
"I don't know what I did wrong, to displease you, but-"Thomas tried to clear the lump that had formed in his throat, and when Olivia next met his eyes the gleamed with wet tears that had small victory over the feeling in his heart.  
  
"It's all so-sudden, that's all." Olivia had made up her mind, and leant forward for his hungry kiss, trying to talk at the same time. "I though-Oh well, never mind-But when this ship docks, I'm getting off with you-but Todd won't like it."  
  
"To hell with Todd!" Thomas announced loudly. "I feared I'd lost you Olivia, that I'd shown you what was in my heart and frightened you, but if you speak truth in saying that I have the slightest of a chance against your Todd, then I will fight against him with every fibre of my being!"  
  
"Oh, sir, Thomas-I-" "Shh, Olivia, I know, you don't need to tell me anymore until I keep my promise and rid you off Todd, so I can marry you. I may not be a young man, but I am no coward." 


End file.
